


What I Lacked, She Had

by aethkr



Series: It's Hard to Let Go of Something so Promising [2]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: 2nd stage, Anger, Angst, Complete, F/F, Frustration, Heartbreak, Not slowburn, Romance, diary format, screw this im doing 3 stages custom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-01-27 17:16:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 3,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12586772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aethkr/pseuds/aethkr
Summary: Ruby acknowledges the breakup but wonders why it ended up like this. Ruby wonders why Hanamaru left her. It angers her when she realizes how close Yohane and Hanamaru becomes after the breakup. As a result, she lashes out at people she holds dear.Some things just won't get back together.





	1. What Went Wrong With Us?!

_“I always get so angry seeing you with another person. I’m sorry I feel this way, but I do.”_

 

**November 1, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             You know what? I know I said a day or two ago that I was feeling tense. Well….it won’t go away. It’s actually **pissing. me. off.** Like heck, I know this is really out of character. No one usually sees me upset, let alone  _ **this**_ upset. Because Ruby is usually the cheerful yet shy freshman. Because Ruby will rather be a peacemaker than a fighter. Because Ruby was raised properly that's why she doesn't get upset. Because Ruby.....just doesn't understand.  But Ruby is not this upset, frustrated, and heartbroken character.

                             What ticks me off is when others ask me if I am fine. **Of course! I am perfectly fine with a completely not-so-broken heart! Yeah! Definitely! Ruby Kurosawa…..Kurosawa Ruby is fine thank you very much for checking up on me!** Yoshiko and Hanamaru check up on me from time to time saying, “we are concerned about you”. We? _WE?!_ Since when did both of you confess your undying love for each other? And why wasn’t I informed? 

                             That aside, I ignored them till the end of the day and purposely avoided the now daily Aqours meeting. Dia came home and told me that all because Yoshiko and Hanamaru are visibly pissing me off doesn’t mean that I should lash it out at others who don’t deserve. Hmph! What does she know… My older sister knows nothing. **NOTHING**!

                            I never knew if Hanamaru and Yoshiko got together. And I never wanted to know. I may be mad but I am still control over some of my actions. I knew that if I know the relationship between Yoshiko and Hanamaru, I might die, not literally. I don’t know. Who even cares if they’re together or not? I don’t. And I never will care about those two.

                             Freaking Yoshiko…….dragging herself into something that she _wasn’t. even. part. of. to. begin. with._ Hanamaru as well, DRAGGING SOMEONE WHO WASN’T EVEN PART OF TO BEGIN WITH!


	2. Advice from the Corner

_“I never thought you went through the same thing as well.”_

**November 4, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             Apparently, news has spread out that I’m upset at a certain person…or maybe two. People kept on going up to me saying that it’s better if I actually confirm if I’m upset because I’m, “making things worse”. I hate when people assume that they can fix things by just saying what to do. Sure, tell me what to do, but I don’t know how to do it. Why do we keep giving advice to people yet not give any directions?

                             Dia sure kept giving me advice to make sure nothing ‘bad’ happens to me. Don’t know why, maybe she’s concerned. But, as far as **I’m** concerned, I’d rather deal with this alone. Why can’t anyone understand that?! Screw this. As much as I’m happy for them I can’t look at them in the eye. All I want to do is hit one of them and scream about **HOW MAD I AM AT THEM**!

                             Honestly, I’m not _mad_ **mad** at them. It’s just frustrating that Hanamaru just runs to her. God knows if they are actually dating. What the, why do I care if they’re **actually dating**? Good for them…. It just hurts okay? It just hurts to see her hands interlaced with Yoshiko’s hands. It hurts to see her smile because Yoshiko did something funny. It hurts to see her do things with Yoshiko like what we did before. Everything they did, we once did. _And it just hurts_.

                             Yō came up to me and tried to talk to me. Initially, I was pissed. Do I look like the best person to talk to right now? And why won’t you just talk to Riko or maybe Chika? Aren’t they closer to you than me?! What do you see in me that others don’t? Isn’t that a question I should be asking Hanamaru?

                             The next thing I know, I started to throw a tantrum. I lashed out at Yō, who didn’t do anything to worsen my heartbreak. She looked scared, terrified even. I swore that it was something I have never seen before. She was scared. She wanted to run away. Her body shivered, her eyes gazing everywhere I was not at. And yet, despite that, she hugged me tightly. She hugged me saying, “it’s okay, it’s okay”.

                             She said and I quote, “I know how it feels. It’s okay it’s okay.” I looked up at her with the same flaming eyes I did before. Curious, I asked her what was she talking about. Slowly, her cerulean eyes that once held fear turned to regret. She said, “I missed my chance.”

                             But this isn’t about her she said, and she continued to hug me and console me. Knowing my anger is something that she too, has experienced. Anger over a breakup isn’t easy to get over after all.

                             But since when was breakup easy to get over with?


	3. What I Think

_“Everything can control you, especially your emotions.”_

 

**November 5, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             I think I’ve calmed down a bit. I don’t know how to feel, I want to cry so badly, yet I want to scream my head off. I could go to Yō again for some comfort but she’s too busy at the moment and….Ruby doesn’t want to disturb her. Maybe I should make something productive? Yeah, making a diary entry of my heartbreak is a _great_ idea. I don’t know why I decided to make another one after yesterday but when ideas come, then you should write it! Isn’t that what some people say?

                             Chika actually isn’t so ignorant. She helped me earlier this day, saying if I needed any help to calm down. Apparently, Yō told her about what she done yesterday. Chika chuckled and said that I can always rely on any of them if I need help. Friends are there to help, not to stand by as you swivel down into the darkness. Okay……that’s deep.

                             You know the feeling that you’re trying everything you can to hold everything in? It’s like opening a soda then the carbonation makes it try to overflow but you try to keep it in. No matter what, it will still overflow and it may or may not wet you. What I’m trying to say is that I know that my feelings will explode and it may or may not hurt others. I might hurt my parents, my sister, my friends, and Hanamaru. I don’t want to hurt her.

                             Hanamaru. I still love you. I know you don’t love me anymore. I know you love Yoshiko or maybe you’re falling in love with her. I know we can’t go back to what we were but I know we can move on and become what we are. Please don’t forget all the memories we spent together. Remembering those would mean so much to me, even though I mean nothing to you but a mere friend now.

                             Yoshiko. I still like you. I know you might be scared of me now. I know you want Hanamaru to stay away from me because of my tendencies. I know you love Hanamaru as much as I did. I know that you would want the best for her like I wished. Please take good care of her. Taking good care of her would mean more than anything to me, even though you would want me as far from her as possible.

                             Do me a favor both of you, please enjoy each other’s company. Yoshiko, please give her something I wasn’t able to. Hanamaru, please love Yoshiko more than you loved me. Both of you deserve it. You two wouldn’t be able to read this, but what I wish for you is sincere. I’ll do my best to support both of you from now on.


	4. Hole in the Wall

**November 8, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             When someone will attack their enemy, they will hit them until they bleed. Some go far enough that they kill the person. Some leave without guilt while others get consumed by it. Some leave satisfied while others want more.

                             With love, it’s either you win or you lose.

                             When you win, it’s such a success. The feelings you’ve been holding back for so long you can now express them freely. The things you’ve been wanting to do to please the person you love that you’ve been holding back for so long. It can finally be released.

                             And when you lose, it’s such a failure. After so desperately clinging on to the hope that they’ll love you back, your support just fails. Making you fall onto the ground after thinking that you’ll fall into the arms of the one you loved.

                             The ground makes you worried. Will it hurt? Will it not? As you slowly let reality sink in, you just can’t help but look up into the sky and wish to fly with the person you love. But all you see is them smiling, because of someone else.

                             It hurts a lot. You really wanted to make them happy. You wanted to be the reason why they are happy every day. You want to hold them in your arms when they’re cold. You want to tell them that it will be okay every time that they’re sad. You want to be there for them every step of the way, every day, until they grow old.

                             But all you see is them smiling from above, because of someone else.

                             And even though it infuriates you, it also saddens you, for what seemed _so near_ , now feels **so far**.


	5. I'm Not Angry

_“I’m not angry, I can’t.”_

**November 10, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             Hanamaru and Yoshiko talked to me today. I don’t know how to feel. I knew I was being somewhat poetic two days ago. That was so that I won’t feel so down. But now, I still feel sad. Yoshiko and Hanamaru told me that they were dating now. I know I should be happy but I don’t know anymore. As a friend, I feel like I should congratulate them on the feelings that they have finally said to one another. But as Hanamaru’s ex, I can’t really express that much.

                             _Does this mean she ditched me for her this whole time?_ Sometimes I just can’t help but fret that Hanamaru ACTUALLY loved Yoshiko for the past few months before we broke up. But what’s the point of worrying about something that has already been talked over about? Something that is already in the past? Maybe that’s just me wanting Hanamaru back. I loved her so much, so why did she leave me?

                             To be honest, when they first told me that, I felt indifferent. Like who cares, go make love and what not. I won’t mind. But really, I do, and it hurts. I guess that what’s happens when a relationship fails.

                             And I’m failing to write more words to be honest, my mind is running blank. Let’s see next time if I can write more. And hopefully by then, my anger subsides. But I can’t be angry….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously need to take a break and plan this out. It's starting to stress me. With school and what not, it's getting irritating how I have to write this but it's something I've been wanting to do...it's irritating because I have no plan. 
> 
> I'm regretting all my mistakes now. Lol.
> 
> THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE WHERE RUBY IS ANGRY NOT SAD-ANGRY THINGY MAJIG **WHATTTTtttttTTTttTT**


	6. What I Lacked, She Had

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was almost late again...

**November 14, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             I checked myself out in the mirror earlier. What if Hanamaru broke up with me because I looked ugly or…..fat? That brat would pay if all she loved about me was my looks! I swear that when I get a hold of her I would hit her so hard that her relationship with Yoshiko and her would BREAK!

                             Anyways, I checked myself out and I got to the conclusion of: she found something in her that I didn’t have. I stood in front the mirror and asked myself, what did I not have that she had? Apparently, _everything_. If I lacked something, she still would’ve loved me for it. All because your partner is incomplete doesn’t mean that you should run off and find someone else because of it. So if she left me, that means she found something that is only in Yoshiko. For if she found something wrong with me, that would be everything. It would be a perfectly reasonable explanation why she loves Yoshiko.

                             Maybe because they’re childhood friends? Maybe because they formerly knew each other. But the past has nothing to do with the present. All because you were friends before doesn’t determine if you are friends now. Fate has a weird way of guiding things. But I already knew that for a long time.

                             Reasoning why they fell in love together was beyond me. I loved Hanamaru with everything my fragile body could manage. Maybe I didn’t love her enough? It destroyed me. And it still is destroying me.

                             I looked at the mirror one more time before turning away, I would never know why she fell out of love with me. And I guess that question, of why she fell out of love with me, would haunt me until I find someone new or who knows, until I die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I failed to reach everyone's expectations again...  
> I don't deserve 300+ hits.. I don't know anymore.


	7. Riko Comes to My Rescue

**November 15, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             I had a fit earlier. During practice I caught Hanamaru and Yoshiko making out. It was weird to see honestly. Dia suddenly covered my eyes, screaming, “don’t victimize my little sister!” but when she _let_ me see again, I can saw her wink and mouth, “ _I did it for you._ ” She was trying to make me not see them kissing which, in my perspective, I really appreciate. Although I saw them kiss even before she covered my eyes, I just felt like shouting and I think I wouldn’t have been able to make it out of there not crying.

                             But Ruby being Ruby, I can only hold my feeling in for far too long. I’m in a such fragile state. The mere sight of Hanamaru and Yoshiko together makes me want to cry. But Ruby being Ruby, I didn’t want to express myself out in the open, at least not there. I want to cry where no one will see me. No one has to see my pain.

                             Though then I heard the comforting voice of Riko. She hugged me tightly but didn’t say anything. She probably knew that she didn’t understand what was going on and saying anything would just be an assumption. It’s more comfortable when you don’t have to say anything while crying. I’m glad to have friends such as them, but unfortunately, Hanamaru and Yoshiko are one of them. And because of that, I really don’t know what to feel about it.

                             And so I’m about to sleep tonight. Hopefully I don’t have any nightmares about anything. My most recent ‘dream’ was about Hanamaru and I still being together. Oh how I wish that was still the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor wooby. Someone hug her pls.


	8. Homework Troubles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was late, _again_. I was focusing on my homework and was playing some games with my friends. Ehehehe.....

**November 16, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             Our teacher asked us to make an essay about the most enjoyable experience in our lives. _It could be anything! It could be that one time when you when somewhere with your parents! It could be that one time when you had an amazing dream where Prince Charming was at your doorstep! It could also be that one time where you spent your time with your beloved!_

                            And as soon as she said that, my pen dropped. Time stopped, reality seemed to have freeze in front of my very eyes. And the next thing I knew, I was at the restroom, crying. Crying over things that have finished. Crying over things I once had. Crying over things I could never get. Crying over things that are now not mine.

                             I wonder if she knew how much it affected me. It hit too close to home. Bravely, I stepped back in the classroom and returned to my seat. No one gave me suspicious glances to my relief. I saw Hanamaru and Yoshiko staring at me in concern, and as much as I hated to be pitied on by _them_ , I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

                             I care for both of them, I can’t hurt them. And even though I can’t hurt them, even though I will _never_ hurt them. They keep on hurting me. All they have to do is stare at each over lovingly, and that will be enough to break the wall that Ruby has been trying to keep strong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now this really hurt to write. Especially......well, _the whole piece_.


	9. Joy

**November 19, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             I’m starting to control my anger now. Hehe. it sounds weird doesn’t it? I sound like I have something wrong with myself. Well, technically I do, if you know what I mean.

                             Can you believe what I done earlier at school today? I was able to talk to Hanamaru and Yoshiko. I didn’t force them into conversation but more like we just clicked and started talking. I’m not going to speak for them but I’ve never felt so happy before. The feeling of being able to connect with the people you held dear to you after not talking for a long amount of time. I know it sounds bizarre that we suddenly just talked to each other despite the troubles among us.

                             Sometimes you just need to solve it by your own instead of waiting for fate to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's late! I'm so sorry. I spent my time fixing my homeworks and I really wanted to update but the need for sleep weighed out more than the want to update.


	10. We're Talking

**November 20, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             WE’RE TALKING! We’re talking we’re talking we’re talking! From day one since the breakup we never spoke, we were too scared. And now, I feel happy. I think because I am. I know I repeated that yesterday* but I can’t stop this fluffy feeling.

                             A side note, I saw Yō looking at me the other day. But it wasn’t any other look, it seemed like she was thinking of something as she was staring at me. Oddly enough, Dia smacked her on the back of her head. She immediately stiffened and began to apologize. I wasn’t buying the fact that she was ‘just’ staring at me though. Riko and Chika immediately jumped on it and started to tease her about her liking me in a more romantic way.

                             I glanced at her and gave her a _“are you serious?”_ look. Cue the glare at Riko and Chika which immediately made them shut up. I chuckled and if Yō actually liked me, I bet she just died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *because I just posted the other chapter a few minutes ago
> 
> Anyways, I made a huge change to this series that might make some of you turn away. Since I can't do good pacing yet, I decided to cut this short and the next work in the series the last. I'll still finish this one though!
> 
> Ruby would be seeing good times from this point on. :>>


	11. Sideline Glances

**November 24, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             Do you know the amount of times Yō kept looking at me during practice? Do you know the amount of times Chika and Riko kept laughing because she was always caught looking at me? I mean, if ever she liked me in a different light, I thought it wasn’t SO much that she would just obsess over me. Of course, I mean it in a good way. Wouldn’t want to offend anyone now right?

                             _“Yō-chan, if you’re going to check out Ruby-chan, then be more discreet would you?”_ I can clearly remember Riko saying that to a very flustered Yō (who looks adorable while flustered by the way). I told Riko that I didn’t really mind and Yō just died. Despite me saying I didn’t really care, she tried to stop looking at me because maybe she was embarrassed at being caught every time she caught the ‘perfect opportunity’ to check me out?

                             Anyways, even if she _does_ have lingering feelings for me. I would like to accept them. If I can find feelings for my new found admirer as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AWEIOUAJWIVIERMWuiAWELJKAWvhuewarhkvhbrjwarnlawjvNOIweawe puo
> 
> yes, the author just died on their keyboard


	12. The Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title doesn't denote anything serious. 
> 
> _*whispering*_
> 
> _I am running out of title ideas._

**November 27, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             After class, Hanamaru and Yoshiko asked me to stay for the day. I was confused, why would they? I worried for a bit that I did something wrong or they were hiding something behind my back. I ended up preparing my emotions just in case any of them might happen.

                             You should’ve seen my face when they were just going to tell me that they wish me the best of luck with Yō—who I am not dating—since they know that we will be together soon. It was mostly Yoshiko who proclaimed that, “Listen, little demon #4, I want you to make sure to take care of my other little demon. This is because I know my little demons have something going on together.” Hanamaru and I kept giggling throughout her entire speech, much to her displeasure. It was all in good fun in the end.

                             I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it twice, I’ve never felt so happy before.


	13. A Chapter of My Life, Written

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter. 
> 
> Ruby concludes her emotions after her heartbreak.
> 
> A new chapter of her life has begun.

**_“Like a candle, I faded away…_ **

**November 29, 2017**

Dear Diary,

                             Through heartbreak I preserved, and I found a new life to look forward to. Smiles that I can show freely without tears ready to fall right behind. Tears that isn’t as heavy as my heart used to weigh. Friendships that only proved to grow stronger now each passing day. A relationship broke but a new one was made from it. From dirt we rose and fought.

                             As each day passed, it only became more interesting. No more was the secretive attitude that we shared amongst each other. Today, and the days after, we can stand and say that “we’re okay!” without missing a beat, without lying. I was bound by nonexistent chains of what was done that I forgot that the key to releasing myself was to _jump forward_. Walls were guarding my heart that was shattered to pieces. I risked everything I had, but I pulled through.

                             I was falling into the void. There was no light, pure darkness. In a place so dark, void of emotion, no one could see my cries. No one could see my suffering. I was looking everywhere for a hand to desperately grab to get back up to safety, and the more I try to save myself instead, I get tired and fall even more.

                             I thought I was not enough for Hanamaru. She left me, maybe she left because of me? What did I do wrong? I couldn’t answer the question and couldn’t sleep. I forgot about the hand slowly reaching out to me.

                             Though, with enough guidance, I noticed the opportunity and grabbed it. And now, I’m sitting here, writing this. As a few minutes pass, I ponder upon where I could’ve made things easier. Then I think, “Although I would’ve made things easier if I fixed things earlier, I wouldn’t have probably gained the same results”.

                             What I know now is that it’ll take time for me to fall.

                                          

**_…but like a candle, I was lighted up again.”_ **

**_FIN_ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who read this!
> 
> This has been a really great ride for me despite the poor writing here and there (and the delays! :P).
> 
> A diary format is not something I have done so to do it another time feels nice (I don't need too many words to put :P).
> 
> Though the next work (most likely the last, it depends), I'm still wondering if I should continue with the diary format or go with my regular style of writing (or the way stories are usually made in general). If ever though, the diary format might be the one to pull through but don't count on it!
> 
> Thanks again for reading! I'm honestly really grateful! :D

**Author's Note:**

> Upload schedule for chapters:
> 
> Nov 1 [uploaded]  
> Nov 4 [uploaded]  
> Nov 5 [uploaded]  
> Nov 8 [uploaded]  
> Nov 10 [uploaded]  
> Nov 14 [uploaded]  
> Nov 15 [uploaded]  
> Nov 16 [uploaded]  
> Nov 19 [uploaded] [was delayed by a day]  
> Nov 20 [uploaded]  
> Nov 24 [uploaded]  
> Nov 27 [uploaded] [was delayed by a day]  
> Nov 29 [uploaded]


End file.
